why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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