i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Of course I have a pirate flag
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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