The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
