She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
