What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
