At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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