if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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