i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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