my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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