I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
