just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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