Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
