don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
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He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
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You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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