you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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