glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
