Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
