So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
