i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Holy shit dude........stairs
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