I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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