If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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