Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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