Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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