Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
