I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
