do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
