the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
