this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
how drunk are you?
Several
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
