I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
