Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
3 2 1 whiskey
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
