Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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