After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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