Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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