You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
