Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
