If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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