I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Randomize
