She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone came in the potted fern
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
