my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
