I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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