just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just threw up on my dentist
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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