i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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