I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
