he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
