I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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