I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
