we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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