Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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