When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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