Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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