your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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