I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
