I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
