Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
