Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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