I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
