What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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