How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
