Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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