don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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