That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
