God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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