She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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