I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
