I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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