Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
