i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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