Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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