You made me cry and you don't even care
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
